How should I deal with a rude colleague?

Be compassionate with yourself

Rakesh Patel, professor of medical education and head of the bachelor of medicine and bachelor of surgery degree at Queen Mary University of London, and honorary consultant nephrologist at Barts Health NHS Trust, says, “While you may not have control over how a person treats you, you do have control over when and how you respond to rudeness. This may sound virtuous but the reality in NHS contexts is that a complaint is never far away—so mitigate against it where you can. That’s best done by focusing on what you can do to de-escalate situations, and change things that are in your control.

“Start with yourself. It’s normal to have an emotional reaction after experiencing rudeness. You might feel hurt, offended, angry, upset, or a mix of these. All these feelings are valid.

“Accept your response. A common response to emotional pain—especially at work—is to ignore or accept it, including being self-critical. Evidence shows that the brain interprets the impact of being devalued, ignored, shamed, yelled at, rejected, or bullied in ways similar to the experience of physical pain. Taking time to manage and come through the pain by being more self-compassionate is more productive for developing resilience than being overly self-critical or becoming a victim of the behaviour.

“Explore the rudeness dispassionately and with curiosity. It may have been unintentional, so reflect on whether it’s possible to interpret the person’s actions in a way that leaves you feeling less insulted. It may be that the other person misinterpreted your actions or the situation, so attempting to see the world through their eyes and asking if they could be ‘a little bit right’ may also help.

“If your values include fairness or kindness, use this opportunity to reflect on the other person’s values as well. Understanding how you feel through these values will also help you decide whether to respond, and what to say if you do.”

How you respond is a choice

Anna Baverstock, paediatrician, associate medical director for leadership and wellbeing at Somerset NHS Foundation Trust, member of Civility Saves Lives team, and senior consultant at Doctors Training, says, “If you’ve witnessed someone being rude to a colleague, then the first thing to do is support that colleague. It’s important to remember that rudeness and incivility is measured by how it is heard or received, not always by how it was intended. I use this as motivation to give feedback to the colleague who has been rude—do they realise what they said and how it impacted the receiver?

“Depending on the situation I will then choose how I respond using the active bystander ‘4 Ds’ model. The first consideration is if it safe to intervene and if now is the best time.

“If direct action (the first D) is needed then can you ask the receiver if they are okay and ask the person to stop? Can you intervene with a comment like ‘Wow, did you mean to say that?’ or ‘I’m not sure if you realise but you’re shouting and it’s making us uncomfortable.’

“Distraction (the second D) may be more appropriate. Can you interrupt the behaviour with a comment such as ‘Please can we concentrate on the patient,’ or ‘I recognise we’re stressed but can we please focus on the task in hand.’ You could also interrupt the rude colleague by asking them a question, telling the receiver they need to take a call, or saying, ‘Sorry to interrupt but can I have a word?’

“You could delay (the third D) your response. Check that the receiver is okay, discuss what they would like to happen next, and reassure them that you are happy to speak to the colleague who has been rude. Ask to speak to that colleague and say you would like to share some observations about a recent conversation. Check out the cup of coffee conversation guide1 for more information.

“Finally, if you or the person on the receiving end don’t feel able to speak up there are options. Can you delegate (the fourth D) to a more senior colleague? If you’re not sure who to speak to, call your local freedom to speak up guardian—all NHS trusts have one.2 It is possible to call out rude behaviour in a kind way. I like the radical candor3 framework to help me be braver when having these conversations.”

Retain your composure

Clare McNaught, vice president, Royal College of Surgeons of Edinburgh, says, “The Civility Saves Lives campaign highlighted the negative effects that rude or unprofessional behaviour can have on our ability to perform our clinical duties, which in turn impacts the standard of care we give to patients. Undoubtedly, the modern NHS is a stressful environment to work in, but it’s essential that we all try to keep our workplace interactions professional and respectful.

“When a colleague is rude, it is important that you assess the situation and determine how best to proceed. Discourteous behaviour should never be ignored and should be addressed directly using calm, non-threatening words—for example, ‘I notice you’re stressed. Is there anything I can do to help?’

“If you’re worried that a public declaration may escalate the situation, then it may be suitable to use distraction techniques to interrupt the conversation and divert the person to a different topic or the clinical task at hand. Later you can approach the colleague who was inappropriate in a more private setting.

“I would often say something along the lines of ‘You were really short with me and the team today in theatre. That is not like you. Is everything okay?’ You need to be supportive of your colleague but be specific about the aspect of their conduct which was upsetting to you.

“If you are subjected to this type of behaviour as a trainee from a more senior doctor, you may feel unable to challenge them directly. In this situation, you should seek support from your clinical supervisor who may be able to intervene on your behalf.

“No matter what response you get from the offensive coworker, it’s important that you retain your composure and not be drawn into further confrontation. Keeping a record of the details of the interaction may help if this behaviour becomes repetitive as the matter may need to be escalated further.”

We all have off days

Divpreet Sacha, general practice specialty registrar, Birmingham and Solihull, says, “We’ve all been there; whether it’s trying to refer a patient to another department or seeking clinical advice, it can be disheartening to face rudeness from a colleague.

“I’ve come to realise that rudeness usually has little to do with my requests. More often than not, the person being difficult is dealing with their own problems. They might feel insecure about the topic and respond with frustration, or they could be overwhelmed with their own workload and resentful of being asked for help.

“Sometimes, they might just be having a rough day and unintentionally take it out on someone else. While these reasons don’t justify the behaviour, they do show that the problem often lies with them, not you.

“When confronted with such behaviour, I’ve found that taking a moment to breathe and consciously choosing not to reflect their negativity can be beneficial. It’s easy to get defensive and retaliate, but that only makes things worse. Instead, if possible, try to acknowledge their agitation calmly and ask if there’s anything you can do to help.

“This approach catches them off guard, as people rarely expect to be confronted about their behaviour, let alone asked if there’s anything that can be done to help. By doing this, you can help ease the tension and turn a difficult interaction into a more constructive conversation.

“Of course, there will always be those looking for a fight. In those situations, it’s often best to recognise that the conversation isn’t going anywhere and to step away. It’s disappointing when we come across rude colleagues, but there are ways to deal with the problem. We all have off days, and it’s only human not to react perfectly every time. However, by continuously reflecting on our experiences, and aiming to improve, we’re on the right path.”